Hephaistion the Feisty Kitten!  This is a Spoof!
by Lysis
Summary: Written as a spoof on the Baz Lurhman film version of "Alexander" that was never filmed at the time Stone's "Alexander" came out.


HEPHAISTION THE FEISTY KITTEN!

THIS IS A SPOOF! DO NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, PLEASE!

Author: Lysis who originally wrote this under the name of Selket.

(Copyright, don't know anymore, it's so damn old, I think the original copy went into the cat's litter box. Wrote it years ago, probably 2005 or so. Was originally a spoof on the Baz Lurhman film version of "Alexander" that was never filmed.)

Paring: Alexandros and Hephaistion, oh, Haides, the whole gang.

Please, if it offends you don't read it. It was just something I wrote on a whim one day when I was in a weird mood. I was going to trash it, but then thought, naw I'll share it. Revised Nov. 2011.

Some bad language and suggestive sexual innuendo.

SCENE: Opens in Macedonian army barracks, Pella, Macedon,

Year: Non-Greek: 336 bce - somewhere slightly before death of Philip, murder of Eurydice and her female offspring, by Alexandros' Mommy, and Alexandros' election to the throne by the Army.

Scene: Alexandros and Hephaistion, a small argument ensues between our lovers:

_**"What the fuckin' Haides, Alexandros? You callin' me a feisty kitten? Who the fuck you callin' a feisty kitten, man! Do I look like some kind of trashy nympho sex kitten to you? Huh, do I, do I? Hey, I'm talkin' to you!"**_ Smash! Alexandros lands on the floor, blood pouring from his nose.  
><em><br>__**"Fuck! Hephaistion! You hit me! You fucking hit me! Why did you hit me? Why, why? Was it because I called you a fiesty kitten? You mean you didn't appreciate my attempt at humor? You're always telling me you want me to take more of an initiative in our relationship, I thought this is what you meant. It's not...oh?"**_  
><strong><br>**Hephaistion, earphones on, gyrating his hips while singing along to Marvin Gaye, _**"Baaaby, I'm hot just like an oven...I need some looovin... Talk to the fuckin hand' Alexandros!"**_Shakes his head, "_**Look at me, look, Alexandros, do I look like some kinda sex slut? **_

__Alexandros' hand on nose, looks Hephaistion up and down not missing the hard muscles, long lean legs, etc., etc., etc**, "**_**Well, actually yeah, 'Phai, you do**__." _Alexandros' lands on floor again, now with black eye. "_**It's not my fault you're built like a Greek God!"**_

Hephaistion stops and observes Alexandros a moment, bends down drops small kiss on Alexandros' head and strokes Alexandros' hair softly muttering in his ear. "_**Sorry, 'Xandros, you know I have anger issues."**_

Scene II: Alexandros in stables with beloved horse, Bulkephalus

**Alexandros to Bulkephalus**, **"**_**I don't understand it 'Phalus, when I call 'Phai, and you know, little pet names like that, he gets so upset. Why is that?**_**"**Scratches his head unable to understand why his horse is trying to throw him off.

Scene III: Alexandros and Mommy, Olympias in castle kitchens:

Alexandros goes to see his mother, the beloved Queen Olympias. _**"Mom, I think I've got a little problem with 'Phai. We don't seem to be getting along too well right now."**__  
><em>  
>Olympias looks up from kettle over fire where she is cooking Eurydice's child, stirs the pot adding some carrots and bell peppers. "<em><strong>Don't bother Mommy now, honey, she's busy."<br>**_  
><em><strong>"But Mom, if I can't come to you with these little problems who can I go too. Dad?"<strong>_

_**"Yes, dear, run along now, your father's had a lot more experience with enraged male lovers than I have."**_

__"_**But he's not here now, remember he and Pausanias have gone hunting for boar?"  
><strong>_  
>Olympias turns, snarling at him, "<em><strong>For Zeus's sake, Alexandros! Don't be such a pissy little thing, I'm busy right now. Oh, would you be a dear and stir this for me, I need to run next door and get one more ingredient."<strong>_

Alexandros stirs pots, _**"Yuk, what the fuck is this shit? Man, I hope she doesn't expect me to eat any of it for dinner. I think I'll go visit the barracks."  
><strong>_  
>Olympias returns, <em><strong>"Damn it all! I couldn't find Eury... Oh, Alex-sweetie are you still here?"<strong>_

"_**Yea, Mom, I really need to talk to you about this problem with Hephaistion."**_

_**"Sure, honey,"**_ Stirs pot, _**"Oh, Alex-sweetie can you hand me the salt, and the oregano? Yes, dear right there. Now what was it you wanted to see me about? Oh, Alexandros, I've been meaning to talk to you ... watch out for that boy, let's see now, what was his name? Oh, I can't recall it right now."**_ Adds a pinch of pepper to the pot_**. "You know the pretty one with the big eyes, nice thighs, auburn hair, and big... Well, don't spend too much time around him, Alex-sweetie. I don't want my little boy to forget about girls. You do remember our little talk about girls don't you... Alex-sweetie, Alex-sweetie where…? Alexandros what are you doing with that guard? Leave him alone, Alexandros Phillipos! Come away from there right now! Alexandros Phillipos! How could you!"  
><strong>_  
>Olympias oblivious to a whole hell of a lot of stuff pausing while stirring, <em><strong>"Maybe I should visit the barracks more often... As I recall that little Harpolos is a sweet young thing... hmmmm."<br>**_

Scene Whatever with Whomever, oh, yeah, Parmenion.

Alexandros walks back to barracks, heads for walk in fridge to grab an ice bag for his eye, and some ice cream, hears gruff voice: _**"Alexandros! What have you done now! If I didn't have Philotos' spying on you day and night, gods knows what you'd be up to! I thought it was agreed you were going to keep your time with Amyntor's son to a minimum!**_

Alexandros turns slumps against wall at sight of old general, Parmenion. Turns his back on the old guy, hand goes to his dagger takes a deep breath, shakes head seems to be talking to someone, _**"Yeah, we'll wait, better time, yeah, yeah.**_ Turns back to Parmenion and smiles sweetly. _**"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask maybe Philotas could teach me a few things? You know, I heard he's real good at ass kissing."**_

Parmenion blusters face turns red, shouting that Alexandros is insubordinate. "_**You've never been the same since Chaeronea. I know you think just because you decimated the Sacred Band we should all bow down to you. Well, listen, Boy, it ain't gonna happen.!**__"_ Alexandros just shakes his head and slaps ice bag on eye, and talks in odd voice again: "_**I know, I know, we'll wait, yeah, I can wait."**_

Headphones blasting Linkin Park, he sings along: _**I've become so numb, become so numb**__... _back in room_**, "Now where did I put my Disturbed cd? Oh, yeah I think I lent it to Krateros." **_Goes into his room, lies down on bed, eyes closed thinking. _**This royal heir thing just ain't turnin' out the way I'd hoped. Shit, Hephaistion's got "Attitude", whatever that is, Mom's fixing some weird shit for supper again, she always gets weird around the Dionysia."**_ Gives a deep sigh, gets up looks out window, man goes running by screaming followed by three other men he thinks he recognizes. He waves to them, "_**Hey, guys, Leonnatos, ah, is that Ptolemy, Perdikkas! Oh, it's Pausinas**_. _**Dad must be back.**_ _**Hope they had a good time hunting. Man, it's boring around here. **_He sits up seconds later, loud screaming disturbs him._** "Not now, man, I was just getting to sleep. Oh, gooooooooods," **_He moans wondering if he should call for his hands together looks heavenward. _**"Zeus, ah, my mom says you're my real dad, so, ah if that's true could you do something about the noise around here? Huh? I could really use some sleep." **_Sits up alertly as though listening to someone talking to him smiles widely. _**"Really, that soon, huh? Well, what'd you know. **_Gets up leaves room, calls out softly: "_**Thanks Dad!"**_

_**End. **_


End file.
